My family consisted of my mother, my father and my four brothers and sisters. To this day, when I visualize a family, I see a family much like my own; a mom, a dad and one or more children. But today, families come in all varieties. The family configuration is changing. Introducing Carol, Dave and Isaac I had been seeing a client named Carol for 3 months. She began meeting with me because her husband, Dave, had stopped being affectionate to her. He had grown indifferent and would often isolate himself from Carol. Not to my surprise, Dave asked Carol for a divorce. Soon after their divorce Carol learns the reason Dave had become so distant. It turned out that Dave had a psychological warfare going on inside him. From an early age Dave had conflicting emotions as to his sexuality and would often find himself attracted to persons of the same sex. One day he found the right man to give him the emotional support to leave his wife and Dave moved in with him. Carol and Dave are parents of a one-year-old son, Isaac. Carol and Dave now lived separate and distant from each other. He wanted Carol to give him overnight visitations with his son. Dave felt that his being gay should not be an issue and that he was being excluded from raising Isaac. Dave had planned to bring a custody action suit against Carol. Dave was now living with a male partner and wanted to reestablish his relationship with his son. Carol gave Dave frequent visitation but felt her son should not be with his father at night. She did not want her son to be exposed to a homosexual lifestyle, primarily the sleeping arrangement. Carol wasn’t a deeply religious person, but she did feel homosexuality was profoundly wrong. Carol would often ask me how I felt about homosexuality and would try to get me to take her side. Carol felt keeping her son with her at night was one of the healthiest things she could do for their child, physically and emotionally. Carol had just begun weaning her son from breastfeeding and had always been the major caretaker of Isaac. My Ethical Conflict Carol came to me and asked me to be an expert witness on Isaac’s behalf at the child custody hearing. I did not have a problem testifying the harm Isaac may sustain leaving his mother at night so soon after weaning him, I had handled such cases in the past. However, I did have a problem with testifying how I felt about a homosexual parent. I did not know how I felt about gay fathers raising their children, especially male sons. I did not feel I could ethically make a choice on a topic I knew so little about. Corey, Corey and Callanan (1998) suggests when a counselor is facing an ethical dilemma they should first assess their values on the subject matter. They further go on to say: “Counselors may not agree with the values of their clients, but it is essential that they respect the rights of their clients to hold a different set of values” (p. 68). I asked myself what values I had on homosexuality and parenting and came to the conclusion that I did not have enough information on the subject to declare I had any values at all. I also asked myself if I could respect the values of my clients if mine proved to be different. For me to be an ethical counselor, I need to know what beliefs and worldviews I have. All ethical decision making should be directed buy a set of underlying values or principles. One model proposed by Jordan and Meara (1990), describes underlying beliefs or virtues upon which ethical decision-making should be based. This would include approaching our core beliefs that are not covered in the APA code of ethics. Attention to these underlying virtues will lead psychologists to ask ourselves a number of questions which will help guide us in decision making when confronted with ethical dilemmas. For example, “Will my patient be helped by me taking this action?” “What adverse consequences might result from acting in this way?” Principle Ethics asks, “What shall I do?” while Virtue Ethics asks, “Who shall I be?” If our goal is to understand the virtues we carry within ourselves then we will be directed towards our pursuit of being an ethical therapist (p. 107-114). In addition to asking these questions an ethical therapist will want to consult the APA Ethics Code for guidance. Carol Asks me to Meet Dave As I continued my relationship with Carol she decided she wanted me to meet with Dave and her together. In any other situation I may have advised against it. I had been seeing Carol alone all this time and knew that I would be prone to take her side against Dave’s if the situation were to arise. But this was different. I wanted to meet him and see what type of person he was. I also wanted to hear his side, so I agreed to meet with them both. In addition, I familiarized myself with any relevant state laws and any applicable regulations that applied to child custody. Next, I consulted with an experienced colleague who offered me honest, objective feedback. Also, members of the State Psychological Association’s ethics committee and the state licensing board’s members were excellent resources. Additionally, if legal issues were to arise, consultation with an attorney experienced in child custody law would be an important step I would take. Also, before we met I sought some research on gay parenting. I wanted to see what psychological journals had to say on the subject. Researching Gay Parenting Issues I went to the American Psychological Association (APA) Website and ran across an article by Charlotte J. Patterson from the University of Virginia. She summarized the findings of a lesbian and gay parenting study in a publication entitled Lesbian and Gay Parenting: A Resource for Psychologists (1997). Lesbian and Gay Parenting is a joint publication of APA’s Committee on Women in Psychology (CWP), Committee on Lesbian and Gay Concerns (CLGC), and Committee on Children, Youth, and Families (CYF). This publication acknowledges the fact that more and more lesbian women and gay men are choosing to parent (p.4) With the medical technology available today and the growing need for foster parents there are more gay individuals becoming parents (www.apa.org). The Lesbian and Gay Parenting (LGP) (1997) publication recognized the fact that families who have a lesbian or gay parent often experience prejudice because of sexual orientation that turns judges, legislators, professionals, and the public against them. Because of this a lesbian or gay parent may encounter reduced or denial of custody, and prevention of adoption. Despite the attitudes that gay and lesbian adults are not fit parents, the study showed this belief to have no empirical basis (p.4). As I continued to reflect over this case I wondered if the sexual identity of a child might be altered if he/she were to be raised by a homosexual parent. The LGP (1997) research indicates that children of lesbian mothers imitate the same gender-role behavior as children of heterosexual mothers (p.8). In this study there was not enough data on children whose fathers are gay. However, LGP does state that in all studies on this subject to date, the great majority of offspring of both gay fathers and lesbian mothers described themselves as heterosexual. Taken together, the data do not suggest elevated rates of homosexuality among the offspring of lesbian or gay parents (p.8). Meeting Dave With this newfound information in hand, I was ready to meet Carol’s ex-husband. As Dave entered my office he took a seat in the oversized tapestry chair that set directly in front of me. Carol soon entered and took a seat on the couch that set to my left. I decided to have Carol introduce Dave to me. She introduced him as “Isaac’s father” and immediately started being verbally harsh on Dave. She talked bitterly about his new boyfriend and how upset she is. She spoke about how disappointed she was with Dave and what an impact him being gay is going to make on their son. I decided to interrupt Carol and let Dave speak. Dave kept his head down, only glancing up occasionally. The first words he spoke were “I only want to be a good father.” I asked Dave what he felt about the comments Carol was making. The following was Dave’s reply: As I grew aware of my being gay, I began to see my life as a series of false I impressions. I began to feel stale and numb, lightheaded and nauseous, my body suspended in black and crimson. My marriage was nothing but a series of unhinged illusions, shadows that consumed and rejected me. I belonged to a society who told me that under any self I pieced together, my sexuality made me fundamentally perverse and nothing more. I knew society would reject a gay man who so badly wanted to be a father so I stayed married. I am an excellent father and would never intentionally harm Isaac. I have much to offer him and have accomplished a great deal in my life to share with him. Sexuality is not an accomplishment; it is not something that discloses who you are; it is not all that I am: it exists as a strand, one interwoven into all the other facets of my Being. I want to be a good father to my son, but I do not want my life to be a fabrication of lies. The conversation I had with Dave was very moving. I became intrigued and wanted to know more. I wanted to see whether or not there is an adverse impact on children of gay and lesbian parents. I felt Dave was a sincere parent, who loved his son Isaac. There are many heterosexual men who do not show this type of love for their children. Seeking Further Training My intrigue drove me to want training on the subject. I have taken classes that have discussed counseling different cultures and various age groups. In fact, I have taken training on a number of subjects, but never any on gay and lesbian issues. From my conversation with Dave, I can see there are issues gay and lesbians face that heterosexuals do not. Murphy, Rawlings and Howe (2002) illustrated the concern with gay and lesbian counseling by noting “…at least some concerns of lesbian and gay clients are different from those of the general population…” and they continue by stressing the importance of therapist attaining additional training on the subject (p. 183-189). I began to search out training on gay and lesbian counseling styles. I could recall touching on it very slightly in graduate school, so I decided to call my graduate studies advisor for assistance in finding some training resources. As I spoke with her on the telephone she stated that many graduate programs do not cover this topic enough. She also noted that it would be to my benefit to acquire continuing education courses on the subject. She spoke of the increased marketability and the benefits of my practice becoming more diverse. The point of view my advisor has is consistent with Murphy, Rawlings and Howe’s (2002) position as they note: LGB [Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual] clients are very likely to be part of a practitioner caseloads at some point…having training on LGB concerns may improve a practitioner’s marketability” (p. 183-189). However, if the only reason I sought out further training on gay and lesbian issues was to increase my marketability then I would not be a very ethical therapist. I would want to fully understand my values on the subject. At this point in the anecdote I still did not feel I had a very good understanding of my values on gay parenthood. I know I believed the conventional family; mom, dad and kids were the superlative family. After all, after my parents divorced and I lived with my father it is what I longed for. I wanted to be a “normal” family again. But after listening to Dave during our meeting, I felt I understood his point of view. If every father were as devoted as Dave, the world would be a better place for children. I only wish Carol could see the Dave I saw. Finding a Peaceful Solution Sometimes in counseling couples with separate worldviews, it is best to find a halfway point they can both reach. Kaslow (2001) noted, As family psychologists, we can help couples and families in their personal struggles to achieve a dynamic and fluid relational style that suits their individual and combined needs as a couple and that provides them with the time, vitality, and commitment to enhance their parenting ability so that children are amply loved and well socialized (37-46). I continued to work with Carol as she went through settleing custody of Isaac. I tried to bring Dave’s good points as a father to her attention. She knew deep down inside Dave was a good father. I also worked hard at communicating to Carol that a custody battle causes enormous damage to a child, even a young child. In addition, the risks are enormous. I reminded her of how important it is for her to keep the relationship strong between her son and his father. Krauss and Sales (2000) confirm this by stating: “A warm, supportive relationship with the custodial parent, consistent expectations from the custodial parent, and stable monitoring by the custodial parent have all been correlated with positive child postdivorce adjustment” (843-879). It is very difficult to predict what a Judge will do. I explained to Carol that there was a need to make law in this area, but not at the expense of her child. For the most part, Carol and Dave focused on resolving disputes through calm discussion rather than blaming each other. Each parent loved and cared very deeply about Isaac. They both agreed there was no longer a need to go through with custody court. They decided to let Isaac stay the night with his mother for another six months, due to his recently being weaned off breastfeeding. After six months, Carol agreed to let Isaac spend the night with his father and Dave insured Carol that Isaac would never see anything “out of the ordinary” while he is visiting his father. Dave stood his ground, proving to Carol he truly loves Isaac. Carol could see that Dave had a true love for his son. They decided to meet somewhere in the middle and, for now, there is peace in Carol, Dave’s and Isaac’s life. References Used: American Psychological Association (2002). APA online. http://www.apa.org/ Jordan, A.E. & Meara, N.M. (1990). Ethics and the professional practice of psychologists: The role of virtues and principles. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 21, 107-114 Kaslow, FW (2001). Families and family psychology at the millennium: Intersecting perspectives. American Psychologist, 56, 37-46. Krauss, D.A., & Sale, B. D., (2000) Legal Standards, Expertise, and Experts in the Resolution of Contested Child Custody Cases. Psychology, Public Policy and Law, 6, 843-879. Murphy, J.A., Rawlings, E.J., & Howe, S.R. (2001). A survey of clinical psychologists on treating lesbian, gay, and bisexual clients. Professional Pychology: Research and Practice, 33, 183-189. Patterson C.J., (1993) Lesbian and Gay Parenting: A Resource for Psychologists - summary of research findings. APA's Committee on Women in Psychology (CWP), Committee on Lesbian and Gay Concerns (CLGC), and Committee on Children, Youth, and Families (CYF) 4-8.